Good question! At this precise point in time I find it hard to believe that I’ve ever been capable of making a decision!
A couple of weeks ago I was talking about synchronicity and having faith that I’m going in the right direction. A few months before that I was writing about how I need to make a change in my life. Right now I seem to be full of a lot of conflict, as the truth is I have no idea where I’m headed! I wish I could follow my own advice of remembering at times like these that it will all work out but the reality of my own being is I’m worrying about HOW things will pan out.. as you have to do SOMETHING to make other things happen. What decisions should I make to help me venture forward?
Let me explain.
I’m 30 and work in marketing. I work for a small firm, I get paid well for what I do, and my office is within walking distance from my house. In fact I can basically roll out of bed and into work it’s that close. Sound good?
My reality is: I don’t want to work in marketing any more. There are lots of internal politics in my work, so many people have lost basic people skills and I’m scared that I’m becoming just like them. When I start a new role, I automatically respect other people ( I was brought up well) and generally my superiors will always have my respect. After 6 years I can safely say that I don’t respect my boss any more, true colours have come through and what I now see is a person who is self obsessed, incapable of team work and has no management skills, and unfortunately, it would appear no personal skills either. It actually pains me to pass this judgement. Believe me I always seek to find the best in people and thrive on working with them to help them discover themselves, life, and the joy that can be taken from the simplest of things. Sometimes I see a glimpse of something with this person, and then ‘POW!’ one action or a word can slap me back down and bring me back to reality. I KNOW I’m being harsh, and this is why it upsets me so much.
So, I have been considering changing career for a while now. I have searched my soul for hours on end to see what a good path would be. The truth is, I’m interested in loads of things and not very good at most of them. I’m not good enough at my hobbies to make a living from them. When I go through various career options I always come back to child care. I volunteered with the brownies for 2 years and loved it. My friends mum works in a residential home for children and has been telling me for years that I would be good at it. I visited her a couple of months ago to pick up a volunteer application form and as she was telling me stories about the children her face lit up. Like, REALLY lit up. Her eyes sparkled. I get that. I totally 100% get that. I know it would be hard, but working hard is nothing if you are making a difference to someone’s life.
My mind was made up to pursue this avenue. I can’t afford to go to college again as I have studied before, so this time round I would have to pay my tuition fees. This means my route to entry is/was volunteering. I handed my application form in. Nothing. I called to check its progress. Nothing. I eventually spoke to someone who told me that the person who organises volunteers within my local council is off on long-term sick – so no applications are being processed. GUTTED. My mind was made up and I was really excited about what the future could hold.
Since then I’ve been talking to my beau about having children. My once-made-up mind is now full of question. Is it really a good idea to retrain in a new career just now? If I could afford to go to college I’d spend 1 or 2 years studying, then I’d need to find a job. I’d need to stay in that job for at least a year before I’m entitled to any sort of maternity pay.
Maybe its best to stay put, make the best of a bad situation at my current job and start a family while here. Then during maternity leave I can study part-time or through distance learning and put the wheels in motion for a new career. Arggghh. Right now I don’t know what would be the best decision. I’m listening for a gut feeling… but there isn’t one. I’m trying to find some reasoning, but I just don’t know.
I’m meandering, waiting, hoping for a sign. What a way to make a decision!
I’m standing at the gates.
What am I to do?
I knew the answer before the question,
Should I stay or should I go through?
I made a final decision.
– What if this move is wrong?
I moved slowly down my path…..
Will this uncertainty last for long?
I found some inner courage.
How can I be so sure?
I believed with all my might.
Will it always be this obscure??
I found the quote below on my Facebook newsfeed today. I think it offers sound advice regarding my work situation. I’m going to try it out.